Every day, I pray, "Dear Lord, help me not to yell at the girls today!" On some days I am victorious but on most days, even when I know that what I am about to do is absolutely sinful against the Lord, this feeling wells up inside of me and I can temporarily fight it and inside I am saying, "Lord, God, help me!!!", but a few seconds later, I will lose it and all those feelings that I tried to hold back explodes out of me and and I sin against my children and I sin against God! Then, I hear a rebuke, but it's not from God, "You say you really love God, but look, you fail Him all the time!!! You are such a failure! Why do you even keep trying!!!" And I'm left with a disheartened spirit and I continue on in my sin that day until I am so tired of sinning that I resign. I don't repent, I resign.
Then, I'm left with these questions, "Do I not love God enough? Is my faith that weak?" And I continue feeling like a failure.
My parents raised my sister and I through criticism and discipline. There was hardly any love or grace in their parenting. Therefore, even if I was doing something right, my parents still often criticized me. They always wanted me to do better. As a result, there was an unachievable standard that I was trying to reach to "earn" my parents love. They never said "I love you" growing up and I thought that if I just did this right or just did that right then my parents would love me. It never happened. The criticisms just kept coming. I didn't realize until lately that the way my parents raised me has truly affected the way I view God and as much as it is hard to say it, I have been trapping myself in a works based faith. It seemed as if I was taking how my parents raised me and transferring that to how God deals with his children...And when you're reading through the Bible like I was, I was in the Old Testament for most of the year, I was reminded over and over and over again of how much God hates sin and what pleases God is obedience.
Well, even after being a Christian for years and knowing that salvation is not by my own works but by grace through faith, I was living a life trying to do ENOUGH for God. And as much as I dislike saying this, EARNING God's favor became my idol. I lived life with the fear of failing God. I wanted to please God on my own strength and my own wisdom so that I may hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant." I wanted the merit of being able to live righteously and the merit to fight sin. Well, since I was doing it on my own strength and my own wisdom, even my "idea" of what righteousness is was my own...
This is what a works based faith looks like...
ON SIN:
"I am not going to sin today. I am going to please the Lord!"
"Ugh, I've sinned again! I've let the Lord down!"
"Ugh, I've sinned again! I've let the Lord down AGAIN!!!"
Then, there is a huge burden on my shoulder saying, "YOU are a Christian! YOU are no longer a slave to sin! God has chosen YOU! He has given YOU the power to resist sin. YOU need to depend on the Holy Spirit more to fight sin!!! YOU have the power to do what is pleasing to God! So come on, do it!!!"
"I will not sin...Lord help me not sin...I will not sin...Lord help me not sin...I've sinned...I'm sorry Lord, I've let you down again...I didn't depend on the Holy Spirit hard enough...I quenched the Spirit's work in me...I'm sorry Lord...I'm sorry Lord...I don't love you enough Lord...I don't have enough faith Lord...I'm sorry Lord...I'm sorry Lord..."
ON PARENTING:
"I need to be a good enough mom..."
"Look at so and so. She did this with her kids...She's got her kids in that..."
"I'm not doing enough for my kids...I need to do more..."
ON KEEPING THE HOME:
"I need to be a good enough homemaker..."
"Oh no, I've been feeding my family unhealthy foods. Because I haven't been taking care of my family enough my kids and especially my husband are always sick...I need to take a class to learn how to feed my family right! I need to change my family's entire diet! Everything I've been feeding my family is WRONG! Even the Bible says it is...I need to do more..."
"I also need to keep the house better..."
"Look at my house! It's a mess! Ugh, I have too many children...(grumble, grumble, grumble)...My parents will be here soon. If they see how messy my house is and see that I don't have my life in control then they're really going to have proof against me that I am a failure..."
"I need to do a complete house declutter project and get everything straightened out. I need to buckle down on the girls and make sure they know how to keep the house..."
"The Bible says that I am to be a keeper of the home...I need to do more..."
Tyranny and sin breaks loose to keep the house tidy...
ON BEING A WIFE:
"I'm not a good enough wife..."
"I yell at my husband, I don't stop what I'm doing when he gets home to properly greet him. I don't even put his needs first. He is the head of the family. The Bible says I am to be submissive to my husband and make sure I am HIS HELPER. I need to schedule my day around his needs...I need to get his back in his interests...I need to do this...I need to do that...I need to do more..."
ON MINISTRY:
"I'm not involved in church enough..."
"What can I do to serve others more?..."
"I need to do more to do what is pleasing in God's eyes...I must do this...But I must not do that...I need to do more righteous things...I need to sin less...I...I...I...I...I've let you down again Lord...I'm sorry Lord, I've let you down again..."
Is that living by God's grace through faith?
That's a rhetorical question...Thoughts to be continued...
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