Remembering God

I don't know about you, but I hated school (I went to public school my whole life). I hated school because there was always the pressure to be sinful!

It started in Grade School. I was in the 4th Grade and all the cool kids were using words like the F*** word or the B**** word or SH** word. So, to take part in being cool, I too started using those words. Not very long after that, I had a trashy mouth and every other word I said was usually the F*** word.

The pressures of sex began in the 6th Grade. The cool girls were in the bathroom showing off their hickies and were encouraging other girls to get one too. I literally lost my best friend and most of my friends because I was too much of a good girl and my best friend made fun of me because of that and others stopped being my friend because I didn't know how to stick up for myself.

My dad was in the military so we moved to another state as I entered Middle School, 7th Grade. There, the first person to accept me was another 7th grader, but a little older, maybe 13 and I was 12, and I felt "privileged" that an older girl wanted to be my friend. She was addicted to cigarettes and though I wasn't a smoker I would go to the store with her and steal some. Because I got her back in stealing, she didn't bully me, but another friend was bullied by her and ended up in the hospital for attempted suicide. Eventually, this 13 year old friend of mine got kicked out of school so my friendship with her didn't last very long. Well, the talk of sex was very prevalent among the kids and I remember that dirty jokes were the in thing. I purchased a stack of dirty joke books and filled my mind with them so that I could keep the attention of the kids by knowing the dirtiest jokes. Another fad for the girls, that I became a part of, was reading novels and there was one particular series that was very popular at the time and though it wasn't filled with sex there was enough and some of it was incest. One of my favorite artists at that time was George Michael and of course his popular song was "I Want Your Sex."

Entering High School, at the age of 14, I was really boy crazy and I had the biggest crush on a 16 year old. I would follow him and leave notes in his locker. I even changed the way I dressed to get his attention. Basically, I started to wear mini skirts. I caught his attention and we started "going out." You know those parties you see in the movies of high schoolers and beer? Well, he invited me to one of them. It was milder than what you see in the movies, but there was beer and I'm sure there was drugs too and sex. It was our first "date" and he wanted to test how far he could get with me. Surprisingly, he turned down a room that was offered to us, but before the night was over, he told me about a day his parents would be away and asked me to come over that day. I did and we went straight up to his room. I had seen many pregnant girls at school and didn't want to end up like them so in the heat of the moment I stopped everything. Of course, he broke up with me and the next day he found another girlfriend who gave him what he wanted.

I then transferred to 2 other high schools and by the time I got to that last high school, I was really hardened. Other things had happened and my heart was ripened for something. The world had shown me that drugs, sex, and alcohol were the ways to solve your problems and I wanted to test those out. My dad, who wasn't a Christian at that time smoked and drank and so cigarettes and alcohol were readily available in our home. So I wanted to start experimenting with all these things and find something that would make me feel better. I started out with cigarettes. I didn't like how it made my chest burn, so I didn't pursue that. I tried alcohol. I didn't like how it tasted and it made me feel dizzy, so I didn't pursue that. The next thing I wanted to experiment with was sex, but I also wanted to get the pleasure of breaking someone else's heart first. So, I found a guy who was interested, and I flirted, and I led him on, and I dumped him. But I wanted to pursue the idea of having sex and there was a boy who I was interested in and I knew a friend who knew him. I told her that I was interested in him and she asked me if I was ready to have sex with him. She told me that we could do it at her house because her parents weren't home and she would prepare a room for us. It was that easy. All I had to do was say, "Yes, prepare the room, I will have sex with him." I was ready to go down that path. I was also ready to start experimenting with drugs. Life, at that point was just so confusing and I wanted something to cling to.

Then, in the midst of a conversation with someone about life, a classmate, Chanette (Belamide) Tolentino, overheard me and invited me to play volleyball with her youth group. I didn't know what to expect, but when they started talking about God, my heart just grew hardened. Yet for some reason, I returned. At first, I didn't want to hear any of it, I just went to play volleyball, and whenever the youth pastor came up to talk I just shut my ears. But I remember walking towards my team one day and I saw one of the "disciplers" sitting with another girl going through a tract and the discipler asked if I wanted to listen in and so I did. I remember the last picture on this tract was a picture of a person and God and a bridge between the person and God and above the bridge was a cross that had JESUS on it. I don't know if it was at that point that I became a Christian but I remember being struck by that image and I wanted to know more and my ears were opened. By the end of that summer, I received Jesus as my Savior.

During my Senior year in High School, I devoured the Bible and couldn't put it down. I was just so in awe and so in love with God, who saved me!!! I looked forward to Friday Night Youth Group and not because I found new friends, but because I wanted to learn more about God. I was so in love and so enamored by the gospel that I just wanted to start living my life in service for HIM! My parents attended a watered down military church at that time, but even so, I wanted to get involved. I volunteered to be a Sunday School teacher for the 3 year olds and I did service projects with the youth group.

When it was time for me to go to college, I wanted to get out of my parents home because I wanted the freedom to practice my faith. I got accepted at the Coast Guard Academy and I attended 2 years there. At that point, my desire for God was stronger than my desire to please my parents, and despite their disappointment in my dropping out of the Academy, I wanted to pursue a career in missions, and so I transferred to Geneva College, a Christian College, to learn more about the Bible. Unfortunately, my parents were not financing my college career and all the debt that was being acquired was under my name. I decided not to change my major to Bible because I didn't want to start another 4 or 5 year college career and end up in a lot of debt when I graduated.

In that time that I was at Geneva, I found a WONDERFUL Bible believing church, Grace. It was WONDERFUL because EVERY sermon Pastor Charlie Dennison preached had Jesus written all over it. Whatever passage Charlie preached on he always led it back to the cross, to Jesus, to God's grace and mercy. Every Sunday after church, I felt so full and so satisfied with who God is that I was motivated throughout the week to work for Him AND I was EXCITED for Sundays to come so that I could be at church to worship GOD!!! I planned my WHOLE WEEK around WORSHIPING and RESTING in God on Sundays, the Lord's Day. I was so focused on GOD that I literally forgot about all those years, beginning in Grade School up to High School, of unrest. I no longer struggled with a trashy mouth or all the other pressures that the world once had on me. It was quite an AMAZING time in my life, just to love God so much that nothing else mattered, and I loved Him because He was God.

In yesterday's sermon, our pastor (Phil Moser), before the Lord's Supper, shared with the church body the gospel of Jesus Christ. He temporarily departed from his weekly preaching in Genesis to remind us of the gospel because he explained that sometimes, as Christians, we get into such a habit of doing something and forget the whole meaning behind what we do. And that's what happened as life went on...I forgot the gospel and I forgot the God who saved me...and my flesh took over and the motives behind what I did became self-centered rather than God and Christ centered. AND there is the difference between living a life based on works versus a life driven by God's grace through faith. What is the whole motive or meaning behind what you do? Is the root of your life your self or is it God?

"Ignorance of God's attributes is no small thing. It has profound effects. How can our hearts be gripped by the glory of God if we are ignorant of who He is? [Knowing God] will increase your faith, awaken a deeper love for God, and cause your heart to rejoice in Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God." (John Piper)