A Text to a Friend

Me:
My turn for honest feelings. I'm scared that God's answer to this birth is a c-section. I wasn't making an ultimatum but I told Hubby that if this is a c-section then I would not want to get pregnant again. I'm scared that this is God's way of telling me we are done. Once I have a c-section, there is NO possibility of another VBAC and I do not want to get pregnant again if I know that I will need a c-section. So, I'm scared that this is God's way of telling us that we are done.

Friend:
Do you think you're scared because it takes it out of your control?

Me:
No, because a c-section actually puts more control in my hands. I could've had the baby today if I wanted to via c-section. I think it's more about what God's will is. He's making every opportunity open for a c-section and I want to do His will and not mine and at this point that's what's so confusing. What does He want us to do? My desire is VBAC all the way and I feel like He's telling me it's ok if you have a c-section and I was hoping I would get a clear answer about going on to have more babies after this and it's not. On the one hand I don't want more babies. The only way I was going to be open to having another baby was if this was a VBAC situation. I don't want to get pregnant again. I don't want to go through anymore heartaches. I feel like I've lost out so much time with my other children and with ministering to others from all my miscarriages and bedrest issues. So, now I'm wondering is this the Lord telling me, "ok my child, if you have a c-section then it's ok for this child to be your last..." or is this His way of telling me, "ok, my child, even if you have a c-section, you don't need to limit me about having more children. I have been faithful to you so you can trust me. If you get pregnant and lose another one, I'm still with you. If you get pregnant and the baby makes it full term then another c-section is ok." I don't know. There's no straight answer about how many children one should have and am I taking the easy road out by saying if this is a c-section then no more babies for me and just totally taking that control into my own hands? Hubby really wanted to go to Illinois to help out with the tornado victims. I felt so bad because he is staying back to be here with me as we have the baby. I myself want to stop having babies so that I can minister alongside Hubby. He went to Haiti twice and both times he said he wished I was with him. So lots of questions about what is God's will for our family. Particularly its size. As our family's grown, I've had less and less time to think of others outside our family because my focus is on the kiddos and I always have a baby...I hope this all makes sense...

Friend:
Thanks for your honesty and trust. Its an honour to have you share with me...